Mirror

it's that time of year when i reflect on my actions and decisions of the past year.

i make a few lists every year:

the first is a list of all the things i want to leave behind

the second is a list of all the things i learned

and the third is a list of all the things i'm hopeful for in the new year.

i've decided to leave behind viewing a situation in my life as a punishment

instead, i'm choosing to see it as getting a chance at a different life

of shaking things up

of reinventing things

and of uncovering dreams that where put away for another life.

i dream of being deserving and accepting of all the good in my life:

the perks of my job

not freaking out over finances

continued travel

enjoying my hobbies

good health

and

fun times with friends and family.

Light

The mountains, rivers, grasses, trees and forests are always emanating subtle, precious light,
day and night, always emanating a subtle, precious sound, demonstrating and expounding to all
people the unsurpassed ultimate truth.
-Yuan-Sou

Regret

>

Belated

she's smart

she's generous

she's strong

she's a risk taker

she's brave

she's helpful

she's genuine

she's loyal

she's thoughtful

she's beautiful

she's his twin

she's my sister.

happy belated birthday, sweets.

Belated

He's thoughtful

He's smart

He's caring

He's an awesome friend

He's loyal

He's a strong athlete

He's is committed

He's a damn good dresser

He's loved by many

He's handsome

He's her twin

He's my brother.

Happy belated birthday!

Stand

when your heart tells you one thing

and your mind tells you another

and, you've done all you can do

just stand

It's Official

Sunday

Familia

This pile of homemade tamales were made by my family.

They look delicious, right? They are.

Seeing this picture of our tamales makes me happy for everything it represents.

It represents a family coming together.

It represents a family who enjoys each other's company.

It represents a family who welcomes everyone and makes first-timers feel right at home.

It represents a family who doesn't shy away from hard work.

It represents a family who values tradition.

It represents a family who embraces their heritage.

It represents the love that we feel for one another.

This pile of tamales has been one of the greatest gifts from our grandmother, who as our matriarch, always had one wish--that we always stay connected. The year after our grandmother's death, we came up with the idea of getting together as a family the first Saturday of December to make tamales. (We decided on the first Saturday of the month because her birthday was December 2.)

That was nine years ago.

This year, as always, we came together as a family. We welcomed two new members to our tribe, and they meshed right into our family. There was a lot of conversation and a lot of laughter at the assembly table this year. As usual, it was messy and fun.

Generosity

Did I already mention that this Double Digits Girl is not only thoughtful but also generous?

She asked that I take her shopping last weekend because she had birthday money that was burning a hole in her pocket. While at the mall, we walked into one of my favorite stores Bath & Body Works. Because she knows I love this store, she followed me around and helped me pick out new lotions to smell and each time asked if I liked it. Every time I said yes, she turned the bottle over and looked at the price tag. Each time returning the bottle to the shelf when she realized that it was too expensive for her budget. When I realized that she wanted to buy me a Christmas gift, I walked over to the sample-size section of the store. She picked out a 3-piece set in the same fragrance that earlier I had raved about. She looked at the price and, while it was more expensive than the others, she held on to it. She whispered to me, "If you really like it, I'd like to get it for you."

In case you're wondering, YES, her generosity melted my heart. She had $20 and this set of lotions would have used up all her money, but it didn't matter to her. At that moment, what mattered to her was to make me happy. And, she did. She made me very happy and proud, and it didn't even cost her any money.

A Message to 3 Boys

Brody, Elijah, & Noah

December '07

Listen to Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.

Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.

Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Pieces to My Puzzle

Walk

Fun & Laughs

If you have to think about the last time you had fun,

or the last time you laughed so hard your side ached,

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.

Thankful

It's a day late, but it's important for me to give thanks

For the smile on her face

For her health

For her undying love and devotion to us.

Gracias.

Potato Soup for the Soul

you know those visits where everything is fun, easy and peaceful?

well, that's how it is with her.

i always look forward to our time together because our talks are comfort food for my soul.

our visits have become a comfortable routine.

i walk through her front door,

put down my purse and keys,

and make my way to her kitchen--that's where she waits for me.

she greets me with her familiar "Hola, Prima"

and her loving arms that wrap around me in a big hug

that always warms my heart.

and, because she knows me so well,

a delicious cup of tea waits for me.

i take my place at her diningroom table,

sipping my tea,

and watching in awe as she dances around her kitchen

creating delicious meals and baked goodies for the people in her life.

i'm often complimented on my role as a step-mother

and, in my heart, i always share the compliment with her

because, you see, she is the one that has taught me what I know about parenting.

i admire that her greatest concern has always been her children.

she's an incredible mother and because of her, her kids have learned

how to make healthy choices and

to own their actions.

she has encouraged them to have a voice

but reminds them to be respectful when speaking up.

she has taught them about change while

reminding them that the one consistent thing--the one thing

they can always count on--

is her steady and deep love for them.

today, i know there is no better gift you could give a child.

and, because it's the season to give thanks, i hope that this simple thank you is enough

thank you for never tiring of letting me vent

thank you for all the valuable life lessons you have shared with me

thank you for your honesty

thank you for guarding my secrets

thank you for your cozy home that you so generously share

thank you for your loyalty

thank you for giving me so much to think about

thank you for always making me feel safe

thank you for all you teach me--

especially the latest recipe of comfort food-- Sopa de Papa.

Stereotypes

Somebody e-mailed me a joke this morning and it got me thinking about police officers.

I don't need a joke or an e-mail to get me thinking about them

because I do that on my own -- everyday.

But, today after reading the joke--

a joke, by the way, full of cop stereotypes--

it made me think of them.

Maybe I'm having a bad morning.

Maybe I took it too personally.

Maybe I'm too close.

Personally, the limited amount of first-hand experience I have had with police officers has been good.

That doesn't mean that my experience is everyone's experience.

Some can be assholes. I've even met a few.

But, overall, I've found law enforcement to be an under-paid, under-appreciated,

brave and noble profession.

I am married to an honest, kind, and decent man who happens to be a deputy sheriff, and

it hasn't been very long since I heard about the last cop's funeral so

forgive me if I don't share in your laughter over one more donut joke.

10

I love her because:

she makes me laugh,

she's kind,

she's always eager to help,

she doesn't give me attitude,

she's honest,

she shares my interest in photography,

she doesn't hold grudges,

she's still innocent,

she's brave,

she loves to have fun,

she works hard,

she trusts me,

she's always willing to pose for me whenever i ask her to,

but mostly because she's starting to develop her own dreams and ideas.

Happy Double Digits!

I know how eager you were to get here.

Open Letter

Pieces

Descanso Gardens

The best part of my weekend: watching an awesome performance by Rodrigo y Gabriela at the Music Box Theatre.

The worst part of my weekend: isn't worth mentioning because it had a lot to do with the most stressful part of my weekend.

The funnest part of my weekend: experiencing the "nightlife" through April's eyes.

The most relaxing part of my weekend: getting an extra hour of sleep.

The most stressful part of my weekend: having to deal with Armando at a time when lots has to get done with very little time in which to do it.

The most loving part of my weekend: having my sister give up her weekend to help me out.

The most delicious part of my weekend: joining my Mom and aunts for a delicious Sunday meal cooked by my Aunt Irma.

Day of the Dead

Photo by R. Zepeda

It's been 1 year and 6 months, but it feels like it was just yesterday

That I go the call to tell me he was gone.

She struggled to find the right words

And when she finally found them

They brought with them the awful, awful silence.

The silence made me feel like my heart was going to explode.

I remember hanging up the phone

I struggled with not knowing what to do

Then again the awful silence

This time the silence brought with it desperation.

The desperation to hold something that once had his fingerprints

A letter

A card

A picture

Anything.

I remember not finding anything

I struggled with my tears and my aching heart

And, again the silence. That deafening eerie silence.

I remember surrendering to it

I sat in it

I let it surround me

I let it clear my head.

I remember that beautiful and sweet silence

It let me be

It calmed my heart

It dried my tears

But more importantly

It gave me strength

The strength to go forward.

Yes, my heart still aches for him

But, I trust that he's in a place of complete beauty, peace and freedom.

Yes, I wish we had more time to spend together

But, I'm glad & grateful for the time we had.

Maybe next time.

Moving Together

I didn't expect the recent movement in our lives to bring

so many great lessons.

I've learned that I am forever safe in his arms.

I've learned that he has unbelievable devotion.

I've learned that he is fiercely committed to our life together.

I've learned that he has unwavering loyalty.

I've learned that I will never again feel like I am by myself.

I've learned that his character and word are the two things I admire the most.

I've learned that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Here's to you Rockin' another year.

Happy Birthday, Babe.

Halloween Treats

(1) I sailed to work this morning.

(2) Finding a surprise Halloween treat from See's on my desk.

(2) My favorite cup of tea for breakfast.

(3) Lunch at Olvera Street to take pictures of the Day of the Dead altars.

(4) My sister coming over to help hand out candy.

(5) Getting to see all the kiddies in their Halloween costumes.

(6) Being surrounded by candy all week long.

(7) Going to bed knowing that my husband's birthday is the next morning.

Speaking of birthdays, Feliz Cumpleanos, Oscarene!!

Slowing Down

Descanso Gardens '07

We hurry through the so-called boring things

in order to attend to that which we deem more important,

more interesting.

Perhaps the final freedom will be in recognition that everything

in every moment is essential

and that nothing at all is important.

-Helen Luke

Luna

October 25, 2007 -- One of the nights of the California fires

California Dreamin'

I have spent the last few days listening to reports of those

whose homes were destroyed by the fires.

I'm speechless at the thought of the many acres of

beautiful California land and property that have been destroyed.

The fires have made me realize that I've taken SO much for granted.

Huge reality check.

Today, I'm grateful that I am fortunate enough to have a place to call home

and that in it are all those things that give me comfort.

Halloween Spell

Walking

Reflection

Soak

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.

Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language.

Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them.

It is a question of experiencing everything.

At present you need to live the question.

Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it,

find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day...

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Light

Wishbone

Wishbone while on a hike.

09/'07

Stumbling upon this wishbone made me think about

all those wishes I've made throughout the years

every birthday

every shooting star

every wishbone

How many of them have come true and have gone unnoticed?

Unravelling Beauty

El Dorado 09/07

Finding beauty in an unexpected place.

Cautious

El Dorado Park 09/07

I have to remember that our relationship is not quite there yet

I'm still learning to step lightly and not get pricked

Too much getting involved

Not enough taking a backseat

Too much speaking my mind

Not enough measuring my words

Too much drama

Not enough peace

Too many lies

Not enough honesty

Too much control

Not enough letting go

Baptism

Jaylene

September '07

*pictures by Eva

This one is just right

Union Station

Los Angeles
August 2007

Procrastination

Hollywood Freeway

August 2007

Letters

G

R

S

On the hunt for the alphabet at Sea World, San Diego.

One

Elija's B-Day

August 25, 2007

Happiness Is . . .

enjoying a delicious anniversary dinner and coming home to a surprise cake baked by your step-daughters and gifts purchased by same lovelies.